Posts tagged emdr
Posts tagged emdr
There are times throughout life when someone dies and we all feel we lost somebody who has touched our lives. Whitney was certainly one of those people. What happened Whitney? Was it drugs? Or was it something else? There are many people today, Valentine’s Day, who are without someone to love them. Some of these people have been emotionally, physically, or sexually abused. I hope this was not true for you.
We miss you and the smiles you brought to our faces when you sang. No one knows what happened to make you use drugs, but I know and treat many people who suffer from drug abuse. Many of them have been survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It is incredible how their lives were changed by this kind of violation. For them Valentine’s Day is usually a day of remembering feeling unloved and abused.
To all of you who have suffered at the hands of pedophiles and predators I wish you a Valentine’s Day of peace and healing.
If you’d like to read more on these issues please go to www.markdworkin.com
Whitney, I wish the same to you and hope that you are finally at peace.
Tomorrow is the Hallmark greeting card dividend day. Please forgive me for my cynicism. While I’ve been happily married for almost 29 years I know what it’s like to have your heart broken. What I don’t know is what it’s like for those unfortunate souls who have been victims of sexual abuse or domestic violence.
What kind of day will it bring for them? Can you imagine a husband who beats his wife and then goes out and buys her flowers, chocolates and Valentine’s Day cards? What about those poor women and men whose lives were shattered way too early by the viciousness of pedophiles.
Since I’m a psychotherapist, I treat these people daily. I can tell you from experience that this day is not a day of celebration. For many of them it’s a painful reminder of how unlovable they feel.
It’s time to stop all forms of violence and abuse. We are supposed to be much more advanced than that as a civilization. Unfortunately were not.
But what the heck, whatever parent company owns Hallmark will be sending out nice fat dividends, I’m sure. Ain’t capitalism grand.
If you’d like to read more on these issues please go to www.markdworkin.com
With 4 min. left in the game the usually reliable Wes Welker, a football player on the New England Patriots dropped a pass. Had he caught the pass, it might have been a different ending to the game, but the Giants won. Being a Giants fan I was perfectly happy that he dropped the ball, but it painfully reminded me of times when I played ball as a kid and dropped the ball.
I hope Wes Welker isn’t subject to the fate that I was. I grew up in the Bronx in the 1950s and 60s, and playing sports for boys in that era was everything in terms of status and self-esteem. When I dropped the football in the park that we played in my teammates weren’t as forgiving as Mr. Welker’s teammates seemed to be.
I was subject to much ridicule and bullying. As I got older I became a good athlete and had status among my peers. Yet that day in the park still haunts me. I can hear the voices of the other kids and my team putting me down, calling me names, and pushing me around. That might’ve been okay if it ended there. However this was just the beginning of a few years of misery where I was bullied, and made to feel like crap.
Although I am happy that Wes dropped the ball, I hope he never had to go through the bullying and name-calling that I did. When I think about it, whether it’s just a pickup game in a park with some kids or the Super Bowl, playing the game or dropping the ball shouldn’t have anything to do with how you feel about yourself as a person.
If you’d like to read more on these issues please go to www.markdworkin.com
Do you agree? Disagree? I’d like to know what you think.
I used to work for various institutions before I went into full-time private practice. I witnessed a lot of my colleagues who were picked on for reasons I didn’t understand at the time. Many of them were bright good-natured people. I could not understand why they were having so much trouble with their supervisors.
Bullying is something that we think of with kids and teenagers. But many others are affected by different forms of bullying. One common form these days happens in the workplace. Let me define what workplace bullying is. It’srepetitive, on-goingpatterns of at least one of the following, committed by one or more members in the workplace:
I’m curious if others have been affected by the cruelty of supervisors or colleagues who trampled on you in order to get ahead. If you’ve been affected by workplace bullying you might get some ideas about how to help yourself by go to my website where you will find articles on workplace bullying and other topics at www.markdworkin.com
I hope this hasn’t happened to you, but if it has I hope that my ideas can be useful.
I read the paper every day. Many of the stories have to do with people hurting other people. Sometimes there are shootings, sometimes there are muggings, sometimes there are murders. But the thing that makes my blood boil is when I hear about other children who been picked on by bullies. Sometimes it’s at school, sometimes it’s while they’re playing, and sometimes it’s what we see on social media outlets.
Truly I don’t know which is the worst. I think they’re all pretty awful. Being the father grown sons I know what it’s like to raise boys to become men. I’m proud of how I have raised them. They’re now in their 20’s and doing really well. When they were young and growing up I spent a good deal of time teaching them the importance of respecting other people. When I would hear one of my boys talk badly about someone in their class I would sit down and tell them stories of what happens to me when I grew up. You see until I was 17 I was short and fat and I couldn’t defend myself. Growing up in the Bronx is not easy. I wish my father could have been there for me, but he was too busy trying to put food on the table. I know what it’s like to be bullied. I was called names, pushed around, and never knew how to fight back. I also had no one to go to who could help me figure out what to do.
As my boys grew my wife and I taught them good values. I knew it was like to be picked on and not be able to fight back. I decided that I would teach them the importance of talking things out and walking away from other kids who might want to hurt them. Back in my day we didn’t have computers, so cyber bullying wasn’t part of it. But kids passed notes to other kids in class, and more than once I had a kid pushed bubblegum into my hair. Trust me it wasn’t fun.
I don’t believe in fighting. Yet we live in a world where if we can’t talk with others, and work things out, bullies will start to pick on us. Walk away, talk your way out of a fight but if a fight begins there are no rules. I made sure that they had martial arts training in both became quite proficient in being able to protect themselves if they needed to. Fortunately it never came to that. The to the matter is, that when you teach martial arts you’re less likely to get into a fight that if you don’t know how to defend yourself.
I bring this up only because I know how it felt to be picked on and not know how to defend myself. There are many things that parents should be teaching their kids. Respect for everybody is one of them. If a parent doesn’t teach that, and his or her child becomes a bully, they should be severe consequences for both the bully and the parents. The bully should have to do a minimum of 100 hours of community service, the parents should be hauled before a judge and either fined or made to do community service. If are going to teach our kids how to live in a world and make it a peaceful one it has to start when the born. If that doesn’t happen it’s up to all parents and all teachers and all administrators in schools to create an atmosphere where bullying can’t occur; and if it does occur let’s make the consequences so severe that bullies will never hurt another child again. I don’t ever want to see another newspaper headline about a child or teenager committing suicide because the “system” failed them. The system starts with you, me, and every American.
If you’d like to read more on these issues please go to www.markdworkin.com
Let’s stop bullying now
I’m the father of an alumni of Penn State. My son is in law school now and thriving very well. While he was at Penn State he loved going to all the football games, and taking part in all the excitement, starting with the tailgating, painting his face the games, and rooting his Nittany Lions on.
Joe Paterno has been an inspiration to anyone who has known him or known about him. I feel quite badly that this sex scandal at Penn State came so close to the end of his life. He gave 60 years of service, donated much money, and according to my son was one heck of a guy.
However, I’m a trauma therapist. I practice eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Many people I work with are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Joe should have done more. He knew this Sandusky creep for 32 years. Sandusky was going to be the next head coach, or so it looked for a while. Joe was told that something was going on between this creep and children. He should have done more. When you’re in this kind of a position I don’t think you just tell your superiors that you believe something may be going on and leave it at that. He knew he should have done more and he said so. I do give them some credit for that.
As far as Sandusky goes, if he’s found guilty, then I stand by my other posts and continue to advocate for chemical castration of any pedophile, perpetrator, rapist, etc. Etc. Etc. People who prey on children ruin their lives. I don’t believe there’s any salvation for that nor do I think there should be. I don’t care how much work he tries to do to make amends. As far as I’m concerned he should be shunned by society. There is no excuse.
In truth I don’t know how much Joe actually knew. I want to be kind to his family, to his memory, to my son’s pain, but in the harsh light of reason no matter how much I want to forgive him I can’t. I have the good fortune of knowing my childhood friends, some for over 50 years. When you know or work with someone for a great period of time you pretty much know what’s going on. Though I can’t be sure, I can only assume that he may have known more than what was stated.
Still his death leaves me with a great sense of sorrow and loss. He made a bad mistake and in doing so he allowed children to be defiled. Joe what were you thinking? Still I want to end this blog on a note of sorrow and sympathy to his family, his friends, and the entire Penn State family. We have all lost the man who embodied many great values. I wish that his life hadn’t ended on this note.
Sandusky, the redhead, Joe, and others must have known that there was something going on. The people I hold most responsible, aside from the creep, are the Board of Trustees. Joe didn’t make any money by not doing more than he did. However college sports has become a hotbed of millions and millions of dollars of donations, and other contributions. Reggie Jackson, the great baseball player, and scout for the Yankees, once remarked, “cocaine is God’s way of telling baseball players that they are overpaid.” Well the money that flows into the coffers of all the colleges connected to football, basketball, and other sports as well is way too much. Maybe what happened at Penn State, Syracuse, and other colleges, is God’s way of telling the Board of Trustees of every institution that they better be careful about who’s minding the store. They say that money is the root of all evil. I don’t think it’s so. Immoral people who do nothing, or people who do not do enough (I am not calling Joe immoral), should not be rewarded. I just hope that everyone in this country can learn a valuable lesson, if not a painful one.
If you’d like to read more on these issues please go to www.markdworkin.com
My deepest hope is that this situation never happens again. However I’m not that naïve. I’m afraid I’ll be working for 20 more years helping survivors heal.
I don’t think my father was addicted to alcohol. However he drank too much. I usually did not mind when he drank. Usually he was fairly funny, and fun to be around. It was the next day that really stank. He’d have a hangover that would make him cranky, and harsh towards me, for at least a day or two. As I’ve said in other posts he was way too free with his hands and was way too harsh with his criticisms of me. When I grew up and became a mental health and substance abuse professional I began to fully realize the pain that I carried with me everyday.
Alcoholism is a family disease. It affects the whole family, not just the alcoholic. It is not uncommon for a child of an alcoholic to become an addict.
There are consequences that affect the family very similar, physical and emotional can arise.
Here are some common problems that family members of alcoholics face:
I suffered most from physical and emotional abuse. For me, and I’m not saying that this should be for everybody, I preferred being hit to what I got emotionally. At least when I was hit my punishment would be over. Some of the worst emotional abuse that I suffered was hearing both of my parents telling me that I wasn’t too smart, and that I wouldn’t make much of myself in life. I’m an only child, and I really never had anyone who I could turn to for support or solace. So I lived down to their expectations. I am an only child. I grew up in the 50’s and 60’s, when there was not much known about learning disabilities, specifically ADD, and almost dropped out of high school.
I should also introduce myself, “Hi I’m Mark, I’m a friend of Bill W.” For those of you who don’t know what that means, it means I’m in recovery myself. I’m proud of this. I have two grown sons, and I stopped drinking and drugging early in their lives. I know the effect that it had on me. I grew up believing I was and still am not too bright. There was a time in high school when my father told me I didn’t have to go to school on a Monday. He said that I would never amount to much, and he wanted to take me to his union, and sign me up, so that at least I would have a skill to make money with.
The effect my father’s drinking had on me, combined with the emotional abuse I suffered at both parents hands, I’m surprised (and so are my friends from the Bronx), that I’ve made it as far as I have in my profession, and in my life.
The two most striking differences in the way I have been as a father to my sons is that:
1 – I never, never hit either of my sons.
2 - I have always encouraged them to follow their dreams. Whenever there were problems I would work with them to find good solutions, always supporting any good reasoning abilities that they were developing.
As a result one of my sons is in a PhD program in philosophy; my other son is in law school. My wife and I are very proud of them, and we’ve done a good job raising them.
I’ve had a lot of good therapy in my life, and that has helped me tremendously. Still I have to keep working on myself because the beliefs that they instilled in me about my lack of intelligence still plague me to this day. This may surprise you since I’m quite respected in my field; I have a full-time psychotherapy practice, I’ve written a book, and I’m an international lecturer.
I know many of you have had it worse. I wonder how many people who I’ve responded to about cutting and self harm have suffered from growing up in this way.
I wonder how many of you suffer from depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, or alcohol and drug abuse. Let me give you a word of hope. While my story isn’t unique, and I’ve heard many stories from people who have had it much worse than me, I still know firsthand the damage that can be done. Take heart, good therapy, Al-Anon, Alateen, and other 12 step programs for families who have a member who is either addicted or abusing substances can make a great difference in your lives. If you followed my blogs, you’ll notice that I’ve referenced a number of problems that I have had and overcome (at least mostly).
While I would’ve liked to have become a physician, I’m happy when I can help people as a psychotherapist, lecturer, and writer.
If my blog has interested you, you can check out what I believe in the articles that I’ve written at www.markdworkin.com.
I wish you all a safe and peaceful journey through life.
Mark
Sometimes I can be a bit dense. I’ve been very upset about this spate of robberies at pharmacies near my house. At first I thought it was just an issue about addicted people needing to find ways to satisfy their cravings. I also didn’t like the idea that crime seem to be on the rise.
Dense, dense, dense! I also recently wrote about a friend who successfully committed suicide. It broke my heart. She was so depressed, and I had no idea. She also moved far away so we weren’t in touch. And she was just a friend, but a good one.
Part of her suicide was taking an overdose of pills. It never occurred to me that the pain I felt hearing about the robberies was connected to my friend. You see, the robbers were stealing pills. My friend died of taking pills. How could I be so dense?
Obviously I know the answer. As Stuart Smalley said in Saturday Night Live, “denial is not just a river that runs through Egypt.” I think this is the nature of things for all of us. When something so horrendous happens to us we go into a freeze, or traumatized state. Then things in the present that may remind us in any way shape or form about the trauma, will reactivate the painful emotions associated with.
Now I train people in trauma therapy, called eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). I’m being pretty compassionate with myself, because I know how these things can go. “We are all more human than otherwise,” said the Great American psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan.
So please take a lesson from a guy who’s been in the mental health field for almost 40 years, has had experience in a lot of therapy, is an international lecturer, and an author. If I could go into denial, anyone can. If you ever find yourself in this kind of a situation please remember even those of us who try to have awareness of higher consciousness can be blind to what’s right in front of us.
If you’d like to read more on these issues please go to www.markdworkin.com
Namaste:
Mark
