Posts tagged trauma

I’ve been reading about the butterfly project, and it sounds like such a great idea. I wanted to write my opinion about it here and hopefully encourage someone to try the project who is currently cutting or struggling in their abstinence. This project seems to be a great inspiration & effort. In the replies to this post, tell me your story of recovery, share your inspirtation with others.

The rules are quite simple to spell out, but for cutters, the rules can be lifesaving. They express a sentiment that’s near and dear to my heart. People hurt us plenty of times, and life is hard. The one thing I hope some of you take from this is that we don’t have to make things worse by harming ourselves.

I think the alternative that the project gives is beautiful and elegant. When my sons were growing up, they had their share of problems, but fortunately they never cut. If they had and I knew about this project, I certainly would have suggested they think about it.

I copied and pasted the rules from the website, The Butterfly Project.

The Rules are:
“1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand.
2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.
3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.
4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, you’ve killed it. If you dont cut, it lives.
5. If you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills all of them.
6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.
7. Even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support. If you do this, name it after someone you know that cuts or is suffering right now, and tell them. It could help.

I grew up as an only child. My grandmother lived with us, and she was practically deaf and blind. I found out later in my life that it was the checks that she got from the government that helped us live through difficult times. My father didn’t have a steady job from the time I was five years old until I was 17.

This created an enormous amount of stress in my home, which was a two-bedroom apartment in the Bronx. My father was 45 years old when I was born and my mother was 35. They weren’t really prepared to have a child, so as soon as I was old enough to stand, I was told that I was expected to be their perfect little man. Of course you can’t make a child into a perfect little man without doing some harm. What made it even worse was that anytime I disappointed them, or made my father irritated, or wouldn’t give into my mother’s guilt trips, I would be severely punished.

My father was way too free with his hands, and I had to suffer a number of physical beatings. However that wasn’t the worst of it. Besides being yelled at, the worst thing my parents did was to shun me for any small infraction. Imagine, I’m four years old, I have no one to talk with or play with, and the only people who can talk, see, and hear are my parents. Now imagine how it felt to be shunned by them. The shunning could go on for days until I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to humiliate myself by apologizing for things that these days I can see were just the workings of being a little boy.

As I grew I rebelled. In my era it was sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll. And I took part in all of them. Then I stabilized and I met and married my wife of almost 29 years. I made a promise to myself that I would never touch either of my sons. I also promised myself that I would never take my temper out on any of the three of them. I’m proud of myself because I kept my promise.

I’m sure there are many of you out there who were not as lucky as I was and had it much worse. I’d like to know what your stories are. If you need to reach me you can e-mail mark@MarkDworkin.com. You can also visit my website, www.MarkDworkin.com and read more about what I write about the subject.

Peace

I hope everyone had a positive day yesterday on self-harm awareness day. If you find yourself or someone you know struggling to stop cutting here are some simple tools for recovery:

Remove all hidden gauze, blades, razors, knives, etc anyplace you may have kept them. Tell on yourself if you have to and let your parent or close friend help you throw them away.

Put a rubber band on your wrist & snap it when you have the urge to cut yourself. It does not release the same addictive endorphins (and so it will help break the addictive cycle) but it does fulfill the similar sharp pain sensation cutters crave.

Distract yourself until the urge passes. It will pass!

Call a friend or anyone and talk about something completely different to distract your mind.

Try something active to redirect the energy like running, swimming, sit ups, or jumping jacks.

Draw a picture, keep your hands busy & express what you’re feeling. Not an artist? That’s okay, I find free-flowing pen scribbles with intersecting lines, the most therapeutic artistic release.

If you’re religious or spiritual, pray for the urge to pass, for the strength to not act.

Listen to music, try & memorize/recite lyrics to your favorite songs.

Play with a pet.

Work through your triggers, write and talk about what you’re feeling.

Draw a butterfly on your arm or where ever you usually cut & consider it an embodiment of your freedom from the addiction of cutting & so long as you do not cut you will keep that butterfly alive.

Learn more about “the butterfly project” here: http://butterfly-project.tumblr.com/

For more information visit my website: www.markdworkin.com

With 4 min. left in the game the usually reliable Wes Welker, a football player on the New England Patriots dropped a pass. Had he caught the pass, it might have been a different ending to the game, but the Giants won. Being a Giants fan I was perfectly happy that he dropped the ball, but it painfully reminded me of times when I played ball as a kid and dropped the ball.

I hope Wes Welker isn’t subject to the fate that I was. I grew up in the Bronx in the 1950s and 60s, and playing sports for boys in that era was everything in terms of status and self-esteem. When I dropped the football in the park that we played in my teammates weren’t as forgiving as Mr. Welker’s teammates seemed to be.

I was subject to much ridicule and bullying. As I got older I became a good athlete and had status among my peers. Yet that day in the park still haunts me. I can hear the voices of the other kids and my team putting me down, calling me names, and pushing me around. That might’ve been okay if it ended there. However this was just the beginning of a few years of misery where I was bullied, and made to feel like crap.

Although I am happy that Wes dropped the ball, I hope he never had to go through the bullying and name-calling that I did. When I think about it, whether it’s just a pickup game in a park with some kids or the Super Bowl, playing the game or dropping the ball shouldn’t have anything to do with how you feel about yourself as a person.

If you’d like to read more on these issues please go to www.markdworkin.com

Do you agree? Disagree? I’d like to know what you think.

I read the paper every day. Many of the stories have to do with people hurting other people. Sometimes there are shootings, sometimes there are muggings, sometimes there are murders. But the thing that makes my blood boil is when I hear about other children who been picked on by bullies. Sometimes it’s at school, sometimes it’s while they’re playing, and sometimes it’s what we see on social media outlets.

Truly I don’t know which is the worst. I think they’re all pretty awful. Being the father grown sons I know what it’s like to raise boys to become men. I’m proud of how I have raised them. They’re now in their 20’s and doing really well. When they were young and growing up I spent a good deal of time teaching them the importance of respecting other people. When I would hear one of my boys talk badly about someone in their class I would sit down and tell them stories of what happens to me when I grew up. You see until I was 17 I was short and fat and I couldn’t defend myself. Growing up in the Bronx is not easy. I wish my father could have been there for me, but he was too busy trying to put food on the table. I know what it’s like to be bullied. I was called names, pushed around, and never knew how to fight back. I also had no one to go to who could help me figure out what to do.

As my boys grew my wife and I taught them good values. I knew it was like to be picked on and not be able to fight back. I decided that I would teach them the importance of talking things out and walking away from other kids who might want to hurt them. Back in my day we didn’t have computers, so cyber bullying wasn’t part of it. But kids passed notes to other kids in class, and more than once I had a kid pushed bubblegum into my hair. Trust me it wasn’t fun.

I don’t believe in fighting. Yet we live in a world where if we can’t talk with others, and work things out, bullies will start to pick on us. Walk away, talk your way out of a fight but if a fight begins there are no rules. I made sure that they had martial arts training in both became quite proficient in being able to protect themselves if they needed to. Fortunately it never came to that. The to the matter is, that when you teach martial arts you’re less likely to get into a fight that if you don’t know how to defend yourself.

I bring this up only because I know how it felt to be picked on and not know how to defend myself. There are many things that parents should be teaching their kids. Respect for everybody is one of them. If a parent doesn’t teach that, and his or her child becomes a bully, they should be severe consequences for both the bully and the parents. The bully should have to do a minimum of 100 hours of community service, the parents should be hauled before a judge and either fined or made to do community service. If are going to teach our kids how to live in a world and make it a peaceful one it has to start when the born. If that doesn’t happen it’s up to all parents and all teachers and all administrators in schools to create an atmosphere where bullying can’t occur; and if it does occur let’s make the consequences so severe that bullies will never hurt another child again. I don’t ever want to see another newspaper headline about a child or teenager committing suicide because the “system” failed them. The system starts with you, me, and every American.

If you’d like to read more on these issues please go to www.markdworkin.com

Let’s stop bullying now

I’m the father of an alumni of Penn State. My son is in law school now and thriving very well. While he was at Penn State he loved going to all the football games, and taking part in all the excitement, starting with the tailgating, painting his face the games, and rooting his Nittany Lions on.

Joe Paterno has been an inspiration to anyone who has known him or known about him. I feel quite badly that this sex scandal at Penn State came so close to the end of his life. He gave 60 years of service, donated much money, and according to my son was one heck of a guy.

However, I’m a trauma therapist. I practice eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Many people I work with are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Joe should have done more. He knew this Sandusky creep for 32 years. Sandusky was going to be the next head coach, or so it looked for a while. Joe was told that something was going on between this creep and children. He should have done more. When you’re in this kind of a position I don’t think you just tell your superiors that you believe something may be going on and leave it at that. He knew he should have done more and he said so. I do give them some credit for that.

As far as Sandusky goes, if he’s found guilty, then I stand by my other posts and continue to advocate for chemical castration of any pedophile, perpetrator, rapist, etc. Etc. Etc. People who prey on children ruin their lives. I don’t believe there’s any salvation for that nor do I think there should be. I don’t care how much work he tries to do to make amends. As far as I’m concerned he should be shunned by society. There is no excuse.

In truth I don’t know how much Joe actually knew. I want to be kind to his family, to his memory, to my son’s pain, but in the harsh light of reason no matter how much I want to forgive him I can’t. I have the good fortune of knowing my childhood friends, some for over 50 years. When you know or work with someone for a great period of time you pretty much know what’s going on. Though I can’t be sure, I can only assume that he may have known more than what was stated.

Still his death leaves me with a great sense of sorrow and loss. He made a bad mistake and in doing so he allowed children to be defiled. Joe what were you thinking? Still I want to end this blog on a note of sorrow and sympathy to his family, his friends, and the entire Penn State family. We have all lost the man who embodied many great values. I wish that his life hadn’t ended on this note.

Sandusky, the redhead, Joe, and others must have known that there was something going on. The people I hold most responsible, aside from the creep, are the Board of Trustees. Joe didn’t make any money by not doing more than he did. However college sports has become a hotbed of millions and millions of dollars of donations, and other contributions. Reggie Jackson, the great baseball player, and scout for the Yankees, once remarked, “cocaine is God’s way of telling baseball players that they are overpaid.” Well the money that flows into the coffers of all the colleges connected to football, basketball, and other sports as well is way too much. Maybe what happened at Penn State, Syracuse, and other colleges, is God’s way of telling the Board of Trustees of every institution that they better be careful about who’s minding the store. They say that money is the root of all evil. I don’t think it’s so. Immoral people who do nothing, or people who do not do enough (I am not calling Joe immoral), should not be rewarded. I just hope that everyone in this country can learn a valuable lesson, if not a painful one.

If you’d like to read more on these issues please go to www.markdworkin.com

My deepest hope is that this situation never happens again. However I’m not that naïve. I’m afraid I’ll be working for 20 more years helping survivors heal.

I don’t think my father was addicted to alcohol. However he drank too much. I usually did not mind when he drank. Usually he was fairly funny, and fun to be around. It was the next day that really stank. He’d have a hangover that would make him cranky, and harsh towards me, for at least a day or two. As I’ve said in other posts he was way too free with his hands and was way too harsh with his criticisms of me. When I grew up and became a mental health and substance abuse professional I began to fully realize the pain that I carried with me everyday.

Alcoholism is a family disease. It affects the whole family, not just the alcoholic. It is not uncommon for a child of an alcoholic to become an addict.

There are consequences that affect the family very similar, physical and emotional can arise.

Here are some common problems that family members of alcoholics face:

• Lack of money and fear of running out of money or food

• Physical, Sexual, and Emotional Abuse

• Emotional and psychological disorders such as depression, codependency, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I suffered most from physical and emotional abuse. For me, and I’m not saying that this should be for everybody, I preferred being hit to what I got emotionally. At least when I was hit my punishment would be over. Some of the worst emotional abuse that I suffered was hearing both of my parents telling me that I wasn’t too smart, and that I wouldn’t make much of myself in life. I’m an only child, and I really never had anyone who I could turn to for support or solace. So I lived down to their expectations. I am an only child. I grew up in the 50’s and 60’s, when there was not much known about learning disabilities, specifically ADD, and almost dropped out of high school.

I should also introduce myself, “Hi I’m Mark, I’m a friend of Bill W.” For those of you who don’t know what that means, it means I’m in recovery myself. I’m proud of this. I have two grown sons, and I stopped drinking and drugging early in their lives. I know the effect that it had on me. I grew up believing I was and still am not too bright. There was a time in high school when my father told me I didn’t have to go to school on a Monday. He said that I would never amount to much, and he wanted to take me to his union, and sign me up, so that at least I would have a skill to make money with.

The effect my father’s drinking had on me, combined with the emotional abuse I suffered at both parents hands, I’m surprised (and so are my friends from the Bronx), that I’ve made it as far as I have in my profession, and in my life.

The two most striking differences in the way I have been as a father to my sons is that:

1 – I never, never hit either of my sons.

2 - I have always encouraged them to follow their dreams. Whenever there were problems I would work with them to find good solutions, always supporting any good reasoning abilities that they were developing.

As a result one of my sons is in a PhD program in philosophy; my other son is in law school. My wife and I are very proud of them, and we’ve done a good job raising them.

I’ve had a lot of good therapy in my life, and that has helped me tremendously. Still I have to keep working on myself because the beliefs that they instilled in me about my lack of intelligence still plague me to this day. This may surprise you since I’m quite respected in my field; I have a full-time psychotherapy practice, I’ve written a book, and I’m an international lecturer.

I know many of you have had it worse. I wonder how many people who I’ve responded to about cutting and self harm have suffered from growing up in this way.

I wonder how many of you suffer from depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, or alcohol and drug abuse. Let me give you a word of hope. While my story isn’t unique, and I’ve heard many stories from people who have had it much worse than me, I still know firsthand the damage that can be done. Take heart, good therapy, Al-Anon, Alateen, and other 12 step programs for families who have a member who is either addicted or abusing substances can make a great difference in your lives. If you followed my blogs, you’ll notice that I’ve referenced a number of problems that I have had and overcome (at least mostly).

While I would’ve liked to have become a physician, I’m happy when I can help people as a psychotherapist, lecturer, and writer.

If my blog has interested you, you can check out what I believe in the articles that I’ve written at www.markdworkin.com.

I wish you all a safe and peaceful journey through life.

Mark

“This the season to be jolly…”  Ho F—-ing Ho!

College Students come home for a number of weeks, and most families get together for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Year’s. While for many it’s a time to rejoice, see loved ones etc., it’s also a time of great challenge for those of you who cut , burn, or engage in any form of self harm.

Seeing Uncle Binky who “binked you” when you were small; or seeing a fellow High School Student who bullied you can cause you to intensify your urges to harm yourself. I was also moved by “scarstomatchtheinside,” when she wrote “Words Hurt.” They sure do!

So please be careful; if going home, family gatherings, or seeing old tormentors is inevitable try to limit the time you have with these people. Words do hurt, but remember that there are steps you can take to limit your involvement.

1 - You just developed migraines while at school and you feel one coming on now.

2 – Isn’t that a sniffle I just heard? Are you sick?

3 – “I just remembered I got an incomplete in a course and I have to have it done by January 2^nd.

4 – Count the days until you can get back to school.

5 – “Don’t you remember, I volunteered for the local soup kitchen for New Year’s.

and my favorite:

“Listen you bastard, I refuse to let you, or your words or former predatory deeds (sexual abuse) stop me from having a good life. I don’t believe in harming others, verbally or physically, but if I have a picture of the offending person, I’d burn it in my backyard.

I have a question that I hope some of you can help me with. I’ve read some research that says that people who cut often times have either an eating disorder or OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Anyone who is willing to share on this thread please do. If you want to reach me privately, you can email me at mdworkin@optonline.net.

I hope these few ideas can help any of you, even if it’s just one person survive this trying period. I know it’s after Christmas, but you see, “I had this giant migraine that came on and incapacitated me.”  Believe me? Who cares? Just please keep yourselves safe and free from harming yourselves.

If you’d like to read more on these issues please go to www.markdworkin.com

Peace,

Mark

As someone who has devoted most of his adult professional life to assisting survivors (especially young men) I am particularly gaulled by the callous way the administration at Penn State swept their dirty laundry under the carpet for so many years. Shame on them. Their football program may bring in $70 million a year, but that number pales by comparison to the pain and suffering that Mr. Sandusky’s “alleged” abuse has caused. “You don’t say no th Jerry,” was the phrase that emerged this week.

If he is found guilty by a court of law, Mr. Sandusky should receive the maximum allowable punishment, which (as I believe for all pedophiles) should include a lifetime of service towards children of neglect or abuse (but without contact with these children). The salary for this service should be $1 per day.

However, as a parent of a recent alumnus or Penn State, my heart goes out to Mr. Joe Paterno. This is another layer of tragedy. This man has given over 60 years of service to Penn State; donated millions of dollars, and served as a role model for all students both on the main campus and satillite campuses as well.

Should he have been fired? My emotional brain says no. Let him retire with dignity. Afterall the Grand Jury has not returned an indictment towards Mr. Paterno. Yet, he knew Mr. Sandusky for 32 years; there was a time when Mr. Sandusky was in line to succeed JoePa as the next head coach. So it is with a heavy heart that my thinking brain, plus 30 + years as a trauma therapist, tells me that there must be more to the story. How could there be multiple rapes, yet only one reported to Joe? And even if there was one, Joe should have followed up.

It’s a tragedy all around, but in the final analysis I can’t let you off the hook Joe, even though my heart breaks for you.

It breaks much more for the victims.

If you’d like to read more on these issues please go to www.markdworkin.com

Mark Dworkin LCSW, P.C.